Brace yourself as it’s about to get fucking raw today. I’ve written about not wanting to die alone, but I’ve never broach the subject of loneliness before. To be honest, I didn’t really start feeling this loneliness shit until this year. I’m pretty sure that it has something to do with my age (early 30’s) or the fact that I’m single. I’m a loner, to the point that I sometime have to force myself to be social. I always thought I was above being lonely. I mean, can a loner ever feel lonely if they choose to be alone? Could I be confusing loneliness for lack of intimacy?
I’m fortunate enough to know several, strongly opinionated women, some of whom identify as feminists and some who don’t. But the one thing that they all have in common, is the mere fact that they all believe that women everywhere should have the right to do whatever they want and that right certainly extends to their vaginas. This might be a feminist rant or it might be enjoyable commentary on what sexual liberation means to the modern woman, or it just might be bullshit. Either way, you’re gonna hear my thoughts. Some of which will make sense, and the rest just might be filler (yeah, I know…but in my defense, writing ain’t easy). We’ve all seen the “Hoe is life” hashtag everywhere in the last few years. Women are living their best hoe life while yelling from the rooftops that it’s no longer a man’s prerogative to fuck everything that breathes. I know part of this statement might be a reductive way to describe men, but this isn’t a space centered around them so FUCK’EM! But what does sexual liberation actually mean? How did we get from marital virgin to hoe is life in 3 generations?
There are 3 things that I know about myself: I am extremely stubborn, I make jokes about absolutely everything (Just ask my dead grandmother…relax, she honestly doesn’t mind) and I can easily become obsessed with something I truly like. And I’m talking like a decade-long fixation and not a passing fad. Can you guess what my latest compulsion is?? Swiping on a particular, popular dating app, and not just any ole’ swiping. Swiping left is the new petty. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even read the profiles and look at the rest of their pictures, I just fucking swipe. I obviously I have specific rules for swiping like if there’s a cat in the first picture I see of you, you are dismissed. If there’s a big ass fish being hung from some sort of line, you are dismissed. If your first picture is of you in a group of 20 deep, you are dismissed. I’m addicted to the rush of mass rejection. What is it about rejection that makes us feel (well, those of us that are dead inside…) so goddamn powerful. And before you shake your head in disbelief, ask yourself why the whole world is on so many dating apps…
A wise woman once said “Age ain’t nothing but a number”. True, age doesn’t necessarily define maturity. You can’t help but be attracted to who you’re attracted to; younger, older, skinny, fat. How many times have you seen someone’s great-grandfathers trying to pick up a barely legal tenderoni and no one says a word. I mean, it’s obviously as normal as sliced bread and it will continue on long after we’re all dead. But what happens when a woman tries to do the same? Well, obviously she must be shamed! How dare she take advantages of such a young man, she’s a woman for Christ’s sake. She’s suppose to be fucking nurturing and have no desire to sit on said young and able dick. Because let’s face it, we’re suppose to accept men as they are: saggy hairy balls, gross back hair, erectile dysfunction. But as women, we should keep it “tight and right” under the threat of being traded for a younger model. We are suppose to see past superficiality of a smooth and young body and go for someone “our own age”, whatever the fuck that means.Why does age affect the way we date, as women but not men’s. Obviously we can cite “Patriarchy” as the most obvious reason, but is there more than that…..
WARNING! Do not read this at work, or at the very least, don’t leave it up on your screen, because today we’re talking about one of my favorite subject: KINKS! OK, so if you were to look up the definition of kink; it pretty much refers to bizarre (YES!!!) and unconventional sexual preferences or behaviors (DOUBLE YES!!). Now I personally think that kinks are a normal part of sexuality. Everybody has something that they enjoy and that they feel somewhat ashamed for liking (that guilt…). Movies and TV shows have normalized “Vanilla Sex” because it looks pretty and obviously there are many things that you can’t show (unless you’re living in France…Lucky bastard/bitch). But through this conditioning, most people have now accepted that missionary and cowgirl are pretty much the positions that most people know and stick with. Which again is fine…well, not really but I mean people like what they like. But what happens when you’re someone with an insatiable appetite for weird, an open mind and willingness to try new things (Always try everything once…well, at least twice) and you are dating a “vanilla person”? How do you broach the subject of butt plugs with someone who things using lube is caused for alarm (yes, this is real story…it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…)? How to do you tell Vanilla that you like all the flavors and then some?
Can we be real with each other? What is it with guilt that drives people to recoil in the fetal position the minute they try to be a little more selfish? Can’t we put ourselves first? Men do it all the time (Penis firs though..) but as women we’re so constantly worried that people will see us as self-centered or acting in self-interest. We’re ready to prove them wrong even if it means that we’ll spend the next 30 years miserable, just so Mr. Smith and his dick can be happy…Is devotion really worth the mental anguish and the constant self-doubt?
The fear I’m feeling right now, is slightly paralyzing. I’ve been siting at this computer for over an hour, terrified of outing myself. Scared that the ones that were the closest to me had no idea at the time and still have no idea. I’ve carried this “thing” for almost 5 years now and the burden hasn’t gotten too heavy…yet! I’m outing myself today because after talking to someone close to me about the very subject, I found myself shocked that I didn’t see the signs, especially since I lived it. I hid the fact so well that no one knew that I was in abusive relationship for 5 years.