Brace yourself as it’s about to get fucking raw today. I’ve written about not wanting to die alone, but I’ve never broach the subject of loneliness before. To be honest, I didn’t really start feeling this loneliness shit until this year. I’m pretty sure that it has something to do with my age (early 30’s) or the fact that I’m single. I’m a loner, to the point that I sometime have to force myself to be social. I always thought I was above being lonely. I mean, can a loner ever feel lonely if they choose to be alone? Could I be confusing loneliness for lack of intimacy?
I wasn’t trying to sound ominous with this title, in fact this is probably the best title I could use to describe my life at the present moment. That sinking feeling that I get every time I open my planner and see the never ending list of shit I have to do. When will it ever end? I don’t have a problem saying no until it comes to things that I want to achieve. I keep telling myself that I need to do all these things but I’m often wrong. Is there a way to do everything that you wanna do and not get engulfed by the anxiety of doing it all? It feels like every deadline is right fucking now. If this sounds like I’m whining, you are correct, but where else can I do that??
*Illustration by Brad Amorosino*
I want to apologize for my absence but I was very ill and swimming in the bullshit as per usual. I mean my dating life is dry as fuck but there are those moments where I find myself in a shit storms of my own doing. You would think after kissing countless frogs, bums and undesirables, I would have the common sense to not even look back. BUT, your girl is nothing if she’s not consistently making BAD decisions about the men she chooses. It’s always risky when you allow someone who’s hurt you to come back in your life, because 9 times out of 10, they’ll screw you over in the exact same manner they previously did. And yes I got burned yet again by the same loser. I’m obviously a glutton for punishment but it’s also made me wonder why I decided to give him another chance. I don’t think my level of desperation has sunk that low (yet..) but I think I was mesmerized by the fact that he was crawling back to me (who doesn’t like to see a man on his knees) and that he had rehearsed his little presentation quite well…