Addicted to swiping

There are 3 things that I know about myself: I am extremely stubborn, I make jokes about absolutely everything (Just ask my dead grandmother…relax, she honestly doesn’t mind) and I can easily become obsessed with something I truly like. And I’m talking like a decade-long fixation and not a passing fad. Can you guess what my latest compulsion is?? Swiping on a particular, popular dating app, and not just any ole’ swiping. Swiping left is the new petty. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even read the profiles and look at the rest of their pictures, I just fucking swipe. I obviously I have specific rules for swiping like if there’s a cat in the first picture I see of you, you are dismissed. If there’s a big ass fish being hung from some sort of line, you are dismissed. If your first picture is of you in a group of 20 deep, you are dismissed. I’m addicted to the rush of mass rejection. What is it about rejection that makes us feel (well, those of us that are dead inside…) so goddamn powerful. And before you shake your head in disbelief, ask yourself why the whole world is on so many dating apps…

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The pursuit of my happiness…

I’ve neglected you. I don’t call, I don’t write but I’m back, just like that asshole you gave your number to 4 months ago. These last few months have been busy, amazing and scary all at once. I’ve changed. Kind of a big statement to make but this time off has shown me who I can be and what I’m made of. I’ve been resistant to my own evolution for a while now. And although there has been some growth in the last 3 years, it’s mostly been stagnant because of fear. I’m not one made or built for change, I know how that sounds and yes I am aware that one can live without constant change. But what scares me is the lack of control when those changes come into effect. I’m so scared of how change will affect me that I don’t always realize that it’s necessary. But it’s like I’m seeing many things and people for the first time ( I swear, I wanna slap myself for this cult-like sentence…). What happens when you finally realize that you’re the reason you’re unhappy? How can such a small revelation fuck your entire life up?

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The truth about dating younger men

A wise woman once said “Age ain’t nothing but a number”. True, age doesn’t necessarily define maturity.  You can’t help but be attracted to who you’re attracted to; younger, older, skinny, fat. How many times have you seen someone’s great-grandfathers trying to pick up a barely legal tenderoni and no one says a word. I mean, it’s obviously as normal as sliced bread and it will continue on long after we’re all dead. But what happens when a woman tries to do the same? Well, obviously she must be shamed! How dare she take advantages of such a young man, she’s a woman for Christ’s sake. She’s suppose to be fucking nurturing and have no desire to sit on said young and able dick. Because let’s face it, we’re suppose to accept men as they are: saggy hairy balls, gross back hair, erectile dysfunction. But as women, we should keep it “tight and right” under the threat of being traded for a younger model. We are suppose to see past superficiality of a smooth and young body and go for someone “our own age”, whatever the fuck that means.Why does age affect the way we date, as women but not men’s. Obviously we can cite “Patriarchy” as the most obvious reason, but is there more than that…..

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Look who made it to year 1!!!

I can’t believe that it’s been a year since I started this little blog. The idea that anyone but my friends would read it, was very preposterous to me. I’m not a writer and although I’ve been keeping a journal my whole life, it’s been mostly thoughts that I’ve kept to myself. But sometimes you hit that emotional wall, and you need to let shit out. And let shit out, I did. I outed myself and some people in my life, but the whole point for me was to be able to work through my feelings and be open to letting people know that I’m not as strong as I appear to be. Before I really start losing it, I want to thank you all. All of you who have read and commented, and given me your wise words of encouragement. It means more to me than you’ll ever know xo

 

*Illustration by Brad Amorosino*

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Forgiveness is the new self-care

I want to apologize for my absence but I was very ill and swimming in the bullshit as per usual. I mean my dating life is dry as fuck but there are those moments where I find myself in a shit storms of my own doing. You would think after kissing countless frogs, bums and undesirables, I would have the common sense to not even look back. BUT, your girl is nothing if she’s not consistently making BAD decisions about the men she chooses. It’s always risky when you allow someone who’s hurt you to come back in your life, because 9 times out of 10, they’ll screw you over in the exact same manner they previously did. And yes I got burned yet again by the same loser. I’m obviously a glutton for punishment but it’s also made me wonder why I decided to give him another chance. I don’t think my level of desperation has sunk that low (yet..) but I think I was mesmerized by the fact that he was crawling back to me (who doesn’t like to see a man on his knees) and that he had rehearsed his little presentation quite well…

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New year, new you?!?

You fucking made it to 2017! A lot of people didn’t make it, but you did. Who could have predicted that 2016 would have been the shit hole that it was! I’ve been away for a bit, celebrating my birthday and yet another pagan holiday, drinking and drugging probably too much, but what can I say?!? My 32nd birthday needed to celebrated in the best way possible: in complete and utter debauchery. The only thing that sucked were the lucid moments in between shots. I’m starting to really hate getting older, all that “reasoning” and “quiet expectations” are seriously exhausting and it’s taking a toll on your girl. What I’m trying to say is, I think, I’m slowly becoming an adult ( I literally wrote this, walked away, cried, then called my dad who laughed…). I mean, I wasn’t a late bloomer physically, but I definitely am emotionally. Is it really never too late to grow up and become “responsible”?

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Let’s keep doing it for ourselves

The holidays are unfortunately driving everyone insane or on the brink of self-destruction, depending on how painful spending time with the family you’ve been avoiding all year is (Sorry Dad). I was going to write about that but since Twitter exploded thanks in part to a cretinous radio host with an affinity for Ambi cream (Google it and snicker later), the anger and general pettiness I carry inside would not let me. I’m tired of black women being continuously berated, belittle and dismissed unless it serves a purpose to black men. Please read that last sentence over because the next ones coming will neither be kind or favorable to most black men…

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