Alcohol-colored glasses

So, against my better judgement, I did something I would NEVER otherwise have done if it weren’t for Old Grand-dad (THE Bourbon of bad decision makers everywhere…or may be just mine.). I’ve never really been the person who fucks/kiss/a person I’ve seriously dated (cause it often leads to confusion and awkward bullshit…which is the cesspool I’m currently bathing in), but yet here I was in the back of the cab, with fucking piece of work (my ex) on the way to my place. UGHHHH!!! Can I just share the general FUUUCCCCCKKKK of this situation.  I knew better when I decided to make out with him but I did it anyways. And now recoiling in extreme confusion, slight disgust with a petty smile (the pettiness in me wants to live and thrive…even in the most bizarre of situations)…

I’m not the first and most certainly not the last to fuck around with an ex, but what I want to know is how to people cope with the excess feelings of whatever the fuck just happened? And can we talk about how this fucking dude knew all the right button to push (the part that crushed my spirit, is that he remembered everything I like) even after a year and some time. Like  he’s not trying to get on my nerves with this shit?!?! I’m not one of these women who’s in touch with her emotions, so I’m still going back between regret and shame. Believe it or not, after all the shit that I’ve pulled, this is probably the one that I’m beating myself up over the most. I mean I didn’t have a conscience when Dee and I stole that car (It was for a Sean Paul concert and we were 16…don’t judge!!) or when I cheated (the first 20 times) but for this fucking shit, Jesus and the bible, won’t let me brush it off quite so easily (Sunday school will do that to you as an Atheist).I guess one CAN choose when and where to have morals.

At the end of the day, I’m very aware that we were using each other, but the reason why is still one that’s hard for me to accept or possibly admit out loud. I understand craving something familiar, but at this point we’re everything but. To feel like no time has passed seems weird, but then again nothing I involve myself in never seem to follow a particular (or the right) path. I should honestly take this as a lesson learned, but the dumbass in me, tells me that I’m not quite done…

 

*Illustration by Brad Amorosino*

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Alcohol-colored glasses

  1. We have all been there Superstar! Trust me. These are the stories in which you share with your kids once they are in their twenties and you know they’ve fallen victim to the Bourbon Googles too! Thanks for sharing and reminding me that we are all human. Just wait until you are my age (40+) you will look back on this and laugh so hard. Now that we know Bourbon and button pushing are your weakness, I’mma tell you to switch to vodka! Ciao bella! ❤

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