It’s 2 AM, I’m laying in bed thinking about my day and just thinking about the choices I made. Sometimes they’re great, others I can’t be bothered to think anything through because my impatient nature. As an adult, I’m just starting to realize that life is just a hand full of idealistic notions that we share among ourselves. It’s easier to live life, it seems by constantly lying through your teeth, lying to yourself and of course to those you love. Reality is often harsh and unkind so lying and making up stupid stories are usually needed to soften the blow. But how long can we continue to tell ourselves that everything is fine, while the world is burning down all around you… Will the lies ever really cover up the scars?
I’ve made a great living at pretending that every was good when the Titanic aka my shit life was literally sinking and taking my lifeless body with it. Which is to say that that I’m skilled at deluding myself into thinking that things are just fine, just don’t pay attention to the girl having meltdown in the underwear section at The Bay… It was a coping mechanism of mine for a long time. It helped me get through my parents’ separation, through some horrifying relationships and through some of my biggest mistakes. I went through it for a while, but eventually something broke inside of me. Somehow the truth always seems to catch up to you when you’re trying to live your life. It’s almost like my emotional tray was full of useless bullshit which I was carrying around for YEARS and literally everything just came crashing down. The self-esteem issues that I thought I was over, the relationship with my mom, my trust issues. It got to a point where no amount of lying or distraction was able to get me to a stable and centered point. No amount of drugs or alcohol could also make me forget a lot of those hurt and raw emotions. Knowing that my life was falling apart brought me a sense of peacefulness and clarity. It’s hard to explain, but knowing that I had to learn to be myself again and put my needs first, but really focus on the person that I wanted to be.
When things fall apart, our first instinct is to fix it and/or make it better. First comes the guilt, then the blame. We’re so focus on trying not to feel anything that we don’t realize that maybe the reason things fall apart, is so that we can be reborn again. A way to shift our perspective and see things for what they really are and not what we want them to be. Sometimes things fall apart, because keeping it together is too painful…
*Illustration by Brad Amorosino*