How I love now…

It’s easy to see from my previous posts that I’m a very pragmatic when it comes to love, emotions and anything that requires a display of those emotions. I can be cold and I can be quite flippant (I can be the only loser who’s using humor to deflect…well anything emotional) and it has cause some friction in previous relationships and it probably will in the next one (Taking accountability for my behavior…some of that Dr. Phil shit is sticking…). I’ve mentioned my unrealistic expectations, which has caused me to accept the fact that I may single forever. It’s not a tragic or as hard I thought it was gonna be, but it still is something that when said out loud, starts to ring in your head as loud as your mother’s voice (not fucking pleasant at all). But what I haven’t mentioned, is how my emotional intelligence has grown in the last few years, something I almost thought wouldn’t be possible if I’m being honest (a 5 year-old makes better choices on a daily basis than I do …but I can drink so I’m winning at life…). I’ve learned that sometime putting yourself out there is not so much for the other person, but for yourself as well. A way of freeing yourself from emotional torture…

I’ve recently reconnected with someone from my past (I’m talking like, about high school) and I’m gonna be fucking honest here in saying that I was not prepared. I wasn’t prepared for the 1st conversation that we had and I wasn’t prepared for any of the conversation that we’ve had since then. It wasn’t my usual “oh…ummm…I have to go (me whenever I feel like someone is gonna talk about their feelings…) bit where I mostly disappear…forever. What I wasn’t prepared for was the verbal diarrhea of emotions that came out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop myself from talking and sharing whatever it was I was feeling. At this point, several alarms were going off in my head (I normally don’t really pay attention…) and my anxiety went up by a 1000%. What’s my anxiety about? My overall level of comfort with that person. How do you not see or speak to someone for 16 years and you could easily feel like no time has passed. The way they look, the way they speak, everything you remembered is exactly the same. I mean, I know that we’re not the people we were when we were younger. If anyone knows how much someone can change so much, it would be.

What I’m trying to say is that this person has made me think about how I loved then versus how I love now. Really no surprise that  it was easier to love when I was sixteen then at 31, but I was more comfortable taking that leap of faith and loving someone. Now, I’m older, jaded and full of bad habits that only a small percentage of the population will put up with (which is fine by me). I worry so much about being hurt that I don’t even want to consider jumping off that cliff. I’m helicopter parenting of my heart seems to be causing me more harm then good. What I need is a little bit of that sixteen year old’s fearlessness and more patience (if only it came in a can…). I’ve put the broken piece of my heart and life back together before, but this might be the first time that I’m not too worried about it…

 

*Illustration by Brad Amorosino*

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