As a single woman of the 21st century, I would consider myself a professional dater and dating a blood sport. I’ve been on so many bizarre, horrible first dates at this point that my neck should be adorn with gold medals just for the simple fact that I’ve leaped over TOO many questionable situations.There was the first date with the musician, who felt it necessary to tell me that his grandfather was a Grand Wizard but assured me that he didn’t share the views as his piece-of-shit grandpa. I calmly asked if he was planning to lynch me after this date and he didn’t find it funny, but I just thought I’d ask. And then there was the police officer who told me that because I mostly dated black guys, his penis would never be enough for me. Apparently he knew something about my vagina that I didn’t. My ultimate favorite is when my date’s WIFE called me on my cell, while on said date, to ask me if I was fucking her husband, the man sitting across from me.
I could sit here and say that I must be doing something to attract this shit, but then I think: HOW the fuck could I’ve attracted this type of fuckery on a first date? It doesn’t make any fucking sense! I mean, do people not know what how to behave in front on someone who they possibly wanna fuck, kill or marry?!?! I’m all for being yourself, but not on a first date. Keep that shit for 3 months from now. Going on a first date is trying to sell a fantasy. A fantasy of the person who think you are or might want to be. I don’t want to go out to dinner with you and hear about your dark family secrets or really any insecurities that you may have about the size of your dick (They can’t all be 10 inches…but they really should). What I’m basically saying is lie to me; at least on a first date. God knows no dude wants to hear about my bloody massacre of a period or my stalker situation, fuck I don’t even wanna hear about it. So let’s lie to each other, laugh, drink, eat and maybe fuck. But please spare me the details of your misery, save that shit that for when you’re in committed relationship with someone, whose job will be to listen to all of that.
*Illustration by Brad Amorosino