You got me feelin’ EMOTIONS…

I’ve always envied people who were emotionally over the top, who could cry at the drop of hat, without having to go through a gut-wrenching, breakdowns (in the shower mostly) that I have about 3 times year. Expressing how I feel has never come easy to me. I like to joke to friends that I ultimately dead inside, unless you count the brewing anger inside of me at all times (OK, so maybe like 70% of the time). I have a fucking hard time recognizing the emotions that I go through on daily basis, and an ever harder time letting others know. In the last few months, I’ve been pushed to the brink of emotional suicide (I’m not sure if that’s a thing but…). No longer feeling like that “strong black woman” that I’ve always portrayed to the world. I didn’t feel like my regular, neurotic and pessimistic self. This was the first time that I thought to myself that I may be feeling this way for a while and there’s nothing else to do but to sit in it. So I spent most of October and November crying, like I’m talking 3 years worth of tears and still felt no better. I couldn’t figure out why I was so uncomfortable admitting to close friends that I was hurt and dying inside. I’ve always been hidden about my real feelings for as long as I could remember but I’m not sure how I got to be this way.

When it comes to my feelings, it’s always flight and not fight. I could blame my parents, because after all, they’re responsible for all the bad decisions in my life (I’m kinda joking) and they are also the ones from who we learn and our emotional intelligence. Being Caribbean,my parents are emotionally stupid and I mean that exactly as it sounds. Denial and anger are pretty much the only serious emotions these folks seem to be comfortable with.. And for a while, those were my favorites as well, but the results have left me emotionally dumb and stunted. Years of burying my shit deep, have left me feeling overwhelmed by every single emotion. The sheer number of thoughts lurking in my head, would make a grown man cry and run for the hills (what a shocker). It’s like I’ve found new parts of myself that I haven’t been familiar with in decades and it’s scares me. Learning to identify my feeling and trying to understand where they’re coming from feels like a full-time job and I’m not liking the hours I’m putting in, but it’s necessary…

*Illustration by: Brad Amorosino

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